I am here.
Here I am.
That isn't so much a bold declaration as a simple statement of fact.
"I live, that's about all I can say,
I breathe, nearly everyday."
I feel, sometimes more than I should.
Does anyone in the world care?
Some days I say 'no.'
But that remains to be seen.
I probably should declare something here. Perhaps reveal this blog's mission statement. Or at the very least give a clue as to my intentions.
I'm not sure I intend for this to be any kind of revelation about ME. Although that might be a great side effect. I do know I'd like it to be a little more than just a diary of "days in the life" of a girl from a small town in the Midwest.
As a rule I don't really talk about myself much. When out and about mingling with family, friends and neighbors, I mostly listen. A classmate in high school once told me I'd make a great psychiatrist. If only she knew that wasn't exactly my lifelong dream. And by the way, shut the heck up, you're bugging me. No...not really. I mean, what else would I be doing? Except maybe living my life selfishly.
Sure, I might share a brief antecdote while in the subject at hand, but rarely reveal what I'm thinking or any personal feelings. Particularly about things I truly love and what inspires me. Don't get me wrong, I have tried. But when I notice their eyes glazing over ~ that tends to put a damper on my sharing enthusiasm.
I've suspected for a long time that I've been trying to talk to the wrong people. Well, I do live in a small town and I don't think of myself as typical. Although that's probably a delusion on my part.
Art has been my life, until I became sidetracked by grief. I truly love my parents and have felt only their love in return. Which is why losing my father recently has turned my life upside down. I fake normalcy, but inside -- normal is an illusion, a game of pretend I play in order for other people to feel comfortable and okay.
I am trying to find my art again, though. Creativity and expressing it is not a choice, it is a part of one's soul and essential to my survival. And I am only beginning to realize once again that I do want to live.
This is a start. I will then begin by finding my voice....
Expressing myself here in words and art, whether my own or from those I gain insight,
and
Perhaps even to vent here the frustrations, fears, and meanderings that need to be vented.
Ah yes...this could prove to be interesting. V-e-r-y interesting.
