Where did summer go?

Now it's really been awhile since I've checked in... I've got a few minutes here before I plan on taking my car in the garage for an oil change, so thought I'd jot a few notes. I can always come back and elucidate further. Or not.

Update on the tomatoes for whomever is reading (not that there is anyone, but still), I did get a few. It wasn't a great year for growing, although that is probably my fault. I stuck these plants in pots far too small, but truly was grateful for the dozen or so great fruit that did mature. In my opinion, no summer is complete without a tasty tomato and homemade bread sandwich. Oh, and s'mores afterwards. Weird taste, but a tradition for me nonetheless.

Things with THE friends till a little...odd. At least for me. She's on Facebook now and I do get to post and get react to hers, but I think I'm seeing her differently. I still never told her about what I read...before she took it all down. I'm not sure it would matter to her anyway. No doubt she'd be amused at my torment. Don't know really. And should I really care?

New neighbor moved in next door. Not sure how to take her either. I'm not really into cultivating close relationships with some neighbors. It goes back to that old saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt." I like the one: "Good fences make good neighbors." And in this case, that is going to be a certainty. Wish I could afford to fence in my little acre here. Keep all the stray dogs out and any construction crews that wander in from building next door's new garage in spring. We shall see.

Well, must dash. Have to get the car warmed up and headed down the road to the mechanic. I should change my own oil and save the labor/oil fees, but when the guys put that old rustbucket up on the lift, and then just reach under to unscrew the oil cap....it's so much easier than rolling around underneath the car in my driveway!

All for now....

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Been a while and then some since I've posted anything here. Not that I've been entirely neglectful; I've checked round a time or two. I just didn't stop long enough to write anything.

Not much new and improved going on. I did purchase a bag of good soil and three tomato plants for my small garden patch. I'm not confident they'll do well, however. It's been so cold here. Nights in the 50's and a frigid north wind. The plants look good so far, but I'll be watching them very closely. Waiting expectantly for flowers...and fruit.

As for the rest of life, the universe and everything: I'm confused by things as per usual. There's that friend of mine I'm beyond understanding. I keep trying to ignore what's bothering me and let her go through what she must alone. Non interference clause or what-have-you. Not my strong suit. I want to help. Still, if she doesn't want to share her pain, then there's not much I can do. I've told her I'm here to listen and expressed my concern. Ball is in her court, so to speak.

I did join Twitter, but I'm not sure why. Why anyone would be entertained by my life in the Twitter world is beyond my comprehension. But then, why do I visit the site and follow others just as silly or as boring as my own? Voyeurism, no doubt.

During my downtime I've found myself listening to Enya and other new age artists more lately. Mike Oldfield. Vangelis. David Arkenstone. I do still slip a rock or pop CD into the player on occasion, but for some reason I'm filling my life's soundtrack with more moody instrumental selections. Perhaps my mood is becoming set by the next project I'm doing.

I've been commisioned to create a kind of memorial stone for a friend's recently passed loved one. It is yet at the planning stage. I'm thinking it will ultimately be placed on the gravesite. I want to do this well, as an artist I view an object like this as more than a simple cement block with a name attached, it can be a reflection of the person's memory. The form and design is going to be my own, but I will be following a general pattern of sorts. I'm a tad nervous as this is something I've not tried before. I've sculpted in clay and done some woodworking, but never designed anything in brick mortar mix. I'm not sure what the possibilities might be... The prep should be relatively easy: fashioning a form, mixing the mortar, pouring into the mold, etc,, so at least that's not too daunting. Like most things in art, I suppose, the only limit is my imagination.

I'm also depressed about money, or should I say, the lack of it. I certainly have my basic needs met, so I should be completely satisfied. Thank God for providing what I have (and I will admit, a little more besides) and be forever grateful. Yet...there's always that one thing your mind tells you that you must have. That DVD 5-disc set of your favorite programme that you've been wanting for months, yet...the budget just isn't allowing for it any time soon. Blah.

I really want a guilty splurge. But do I want the DVD's or groceries for a week? Hmm, that's a tough decision, isn't it?

Until I make up my mind, guess I'll go down to the public library and borrow a couple more books, come home, water my tomatoes, fix a supper of beans on toast, slip in a David Arkenstone CD and ride out this recession/depression that way. At least for today. Tomorrow...is anybody's guess.

Ah well, so much for that.

Cheers.

Sending the TARDIS to YESTERDAY

I wish I could say I had no regrets in my life, but do I ever! The list would be enormous if I put down everything (how sad is that?). One condition to this big re-do would being able to go back knowing what I know now. If I could, I'd go back to middle/high school and stop worrying so much and instead of focusing on what other people thought about me, be at peace with who I am and think for myself. Telling one or two of the more irritating idiots to 'go to hell' might have helped. And I'd take more chances instead of playing it safe. And I'd have told Tim when we were hanging out in the library that day in ninth grade that I REALLY liked him as more than a friend instead of playing shy. Even if he'd said he didn't feel the same way...at least I would have tried.

Most importantly: I wish I had stood firm and talked my father into going to hospital two days BEFORE he passed away. He wasn't feeling well and although we spoke about it, I didn't insist. It may or may not have changed the outcome, but at least I would have known I'd done everything in my power that was possible. I miss him terribly.

Once a habit, now a vice...

candy kisses (12-04-08)

Like all great vices, the need for chocolate started small. M&M's and Hershey's Kisses ... I can never quit. I will never quit. Chocolate is not optional...it is a necessity.

The Resurrection of Mind & Spirit

Easter Sunday is but a few short hours away and I've nothing planned. Didn't colour any hardboiled eggs a wondrous array of blooming pastel shades. I didn't buy several bags of tinted plastic grass to line various baskets with goodies and toys for anyone in particular. I haven't even planned a veritable feast for family, friends, or the townsfolk. Sounds a pretty laid back holiday this year. Perhaps even bordering on the dull. Which is fine by me.

Holidays in general don't really hold the import as they did when my father was alive. I think I literally 'felt' more with him in the world. These days I focus on such trivial things and worry endlessly over the smallest problems. He kept me grounded, but also gave me inspiration. Particularly where my art is concerned.

Tomorrow probably won't be any kind of huge celebration, but it will be filled with memories. Good ones along with the sad, as Ifind myself missing someone so dear to me and my mother. Holidays are always tough to get through. It is a good day to be thinking about him though. Easter is all about rebirth, the resurrection of Christ to be reunited with his family and disciples. I do believe in that with my whole heart. And I also believe someday I will see my dad again. That wonderful day on Resurrection morning when I see him hold open his arms once again for that hug I've been missing for so long. That is what gets me through the really dark days. Well, most of them, anyway. It sure would be nice to see him again. We sure have a lot of catching up to do.

Happy Easter <3

The Kingdom

One of these days

That just comes and goes

its not so special

She watches the birds

that rest on the ledge

outside her room

The wallpaper old and faded,

a crack in the window pane,

the radio just keeps playing,

playing that same old song

She smiles to herself

"They think that I'm strange

they say I'm a dreamer.

but I don't complain

though I don't have much

to call my own."

And she's not a movie star, no

and she's not a beauty queen.

She'll tell you it doesn't matter

'cause she's not the only one.

she says,

"I know a place

where I keep the best of things. (the kingdom)

I'm not gonna wait

for my piece of heaven. (the kingdom)

Where there's a road

it leads to the promised land (the kingdom)

I just turn the key

the key to the

kingdom.

She stares at the page

A new magazine, the morning papers

She walks into town

she catches a show

if she can find the time.

And she's not a movie star, no

and she's not a beauty queen

she'll tell you it doesn't matter

'cause she's not the only one

she says,

"I know a place

where I keep the best of things (the kingdom)

I'm not gonna wait

for my piece of of heaven (the kingdom)

Where there's a road

it leads to the promised land (the kingdom)

I just turn the key

the key to the

kingdom.

~~~ The Kingdom, by Icehouse

Rediscovering The Hurting

Earlier this week a couple of CDs came in the mail that I'd ordered. As a huge fan of the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it isn't surprising I also needed/wanted some of the music from the show. I found the 2003 release of Radio Sunnydale with 12 fantastic tracks that were either performed or were inpiration for the score on the series. From the main theme performed by The Breeders, to the Final Fight score, it is an absolute must for Buffy fans and for anyone who loves music with that certain dark/goth, yet funky atmosphere. Definitely love it. Definitely need to get more...

The second was an album from ages ago (1983), The Hurting, by Tears For Fears. Sure its got the techno/pop sound flowing through the singles, but that's not at all bad. If you're into head-music: stuff that makes you feel and think at the same time, then this is a definite album to help rake the raw stuff right up out of your soul...with a great pop beat in the background. And for someone like me who often falls below the surface of rational thought and straight into self-pity, melancholy and psychological angst...it IS the soundtrack of my life. Or at least one note within my vast symphony.

*Sigh* So much music, so little time.....

Sun on Snow - Cheery but Cold

Alas, another winter's day and yet another snowfall. I'm still not feeling the happy promise of a New Year quite yet. I know, I know...life is what you make it. Still, whoever said that probably wasn't sitting in a snow bank shivering.

I'm procrastinating. There are a hundred and one different projects I 'should' be doing right now. Attacking clutter, for a start..it might be a sign of genius, or an equally cluttered mind, but right now I'm just sick of constantly looking for things:

'Hmm, I know I set that pair of scissors right there, yet through magic they've somehow transformed into a pen, half a dozen paper clips, the TV remote (ahh, so that's where it went!), and my small sketchpad.'

Yes, everything is supposed to have its rightful place, I guess not all of it finds its way back where it should. It does eventually, just not WHEN I really need it.

Well, instead of doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm blogging and reading. My friend let me borrow New Moon, the second novel in the series by Stephanie Meyer. I liked Twilight, the first one all right. It was suspenseful in places and the concept is one of my favorites. Yet, I found Bella's total acceptance of the Cullen family's secret a little beyond belief. Perhaps that is explained more fully in later novels (I hope.) And the ending to Twilight left me a little disappointed. After all the energy spent in the build up, the last couple of chapters felt flat. I do like New Moon, so far. We're taking a little holiday from the vampires and heading into werewolf territory, now. One peeve in the first chapters...Bella's brooding went on a little longer than necessary. I mean this is supposed to be a romance/adventure story...don't get bogged down in one event so long that the plot and suspense starts to stagnate. It gets b-o-r-i-n-g!

Ah well, so much for that. Eeugh, I looked outside and what to my disappointed eyes did appear.........more snow wafting down from the heavens! Blah. I might as well go out and at least make a path to the mailbox. There'll either be a bill or junk mail. Not much of a choice these days. Back to the daily chores...I've spend most my time this winter Snow Blind!

Slow start to the New Year

I thought I'd better post something soon with the start of the New Year. (Well, there goes that new resolution about blogging regularly out the window!)

I've been attempting to write. Not just words on paper, or processing characters in Microsoft Word, but to bring my own ideas and imagination to life in fiction. It has been a dream of mine for years to create a good story. Not something roughly plagarized from other authors I admire, but something that is truly my own. Don't get me wrong, I HAVE the ideas...I'm just not at all sure what to do with them. Finding the time to sit down and organize my whirling thoughts is a chore to be mastered right at the start. And finding MY voice. Telling the story that I need to tell that hopefully, someone else out there in the universe might just identify with and, dare I say it, actually LIKE?

I don't actually have anything put together that puts a thrill on the page yet. Another hundred years...maybe. ;-) In the meantime, here's something I've been messing about with. Three paragraphs that may, or may not, prove to be the start of something....who knows what?

The severed head of young Giovanni lay next to his half-clothed mutilated body upon the gold-gilt king-sized bed. The blood from the ravaged body had flowed freely from the clean open neck wound, soaking and staining the fine white linen sheets a deep crimson.

Señorita Medea had stood motionless in the estate bedroom, unable to turn away from the grisly spectacle of her young lover’s violent end. The Señorita felt her throat close and her stomach grow queasy, but it was not only from the awful sight of the corpse lying on her grand bed, or the thick coppery stench of blood assailing her nostrils. More than anything she was sickened by the fact her Italian Villa, her most precious sanctuary, had been violated. And what an utter act of cruelty and evil had invaded her home.

Medea’s knees felt weak and she surged forward a few steps deeper into the room, unable to stop until she had reached the foot of the bed. Although she had witnessed death many times, the grief and shock of her loss threatened to overwhelm her as she involuntarily gazed upon Giovanni’s now bluish, waxen features. He had once been so expressive, so beautiful. Sadness gripped her as she studied the stiff, headless corpse that had only that morning held and caressed her body with such vital, supple, strong limbs.

A sob wracked her body.

....to be continued. Maybe.